People are shooting up Latin night at the gay club, babies are drowning in the Mediterranean, Prince and Bowie are gone gone gone. I really didn’t think my heart could hurt more than it already does. And then, there was this….
In case you aren’t sure what‘s going on here, let me help: people are pulling down their drawls, taking pictures of the dry, spotless crotches of their underwear, and then uploading them to the internet to brag about it.
**But before I begin, I’d like to have a moment of silence for all the sad, parched vaginas that were harmed in the making of these images.**
Thank you. Now I want to be clear that I am NOT here to shame these people or anybody who might think the same way. I blame myself and all the other people who’ve had vaginas for much longer and haven’t done enough to balance out the fuckboy quotient. Shame on us. I hope this lil article will help make up for our negligence. SN: I am just a regular shmegular vagina owner, I’m not a doctor or WebMD. If you have genuine concerns about your tooter, make an appointment with your GYN.
1. Discharge is completely normal
Your vagina is a mucous membrane, just like your eyes, nose and mouth.Imagine having dry ass eyeballs — a dry vag is the same thing, except worse because you don’t usually have sex in your eye sockets or give birth out of your tear ducts. (You have to save something for your wedding night, amirite!?)
Anyway, NO vaginal discharge at all could be a sign that something is off with your cooter. If you’re bone dry down there, make an appointment at the gynecologist asap. Planned Parenthood is always a solid choice if you don’t have insurance or a regular doctor.
2. Gushy, messy vaginas are the cornerstones of human life
I don’t know who designed the human body (God? Elon Musk? Oprah?) but whoever it was, they really did their homework with this whole vulva thing. You see, at different times in the month, your vaginal fluids (very scientific term: “gush”) will increase or decrease and become thicker or more watery, depending on where you are in your cycle. That’s because your juices are meant to either (1) carry semen on a Six-Flags-water-park-log-flume-roller-coaster-ride directly to your unfertilized egg while you’re ovulating
or (2) take semen down on a long-hot-summer-day-on-a-lazy-river-inner-tube-ride-to-nowheresville when your eggs aren’t ready to be turned into tiny human parasites/babies.
In other words, your pooty cocktail is part of your fertility cycle and without it there would be no babies and thus, no human life a’tall. Not that being infertile or unable to reproduce should be any source of shame (my ovaries are basically dried craisins at this point), but why use this to flame other people???
3. Squeaky clean kitties aren’t squeaky clean
This might be one of the grosser things I’ll ever write, but I want to tell it to you straight: sometimes you get boogers in your nose, right? Kinda gross but totally normal. And in fact, it’s your nose’s way of removing dust and pathogens from the air before they get into your lungs. WELL YOUR VAGINA DOES THE SAME THING.
So next time you go to the bathroom and notice you’ve got some action down there, it’s not necessarily a sign that you’re dirty or that you need to scrub harder — it just means your body is doing it’s normal, natural thing. Maybe you’re ovulating. Or maybe you’re actually being protected from bacteria or irritants. You should only worry about discharge if it smells funny, is chunky, itchy, a strange color and/or accompanied with other changes down there. (If you know me in real life, feel free to send me pics of your underwear and I’ll give you my totally unofficial opinion LOL.)
4. You SHOULD brag about your pussy
If you want to brag about your pussy on the internets I AM HERE FOR IT. Cis men have been bragging about their (mostly shriveled, pathetic) peens for millenia. I WISH beaver bravado was a thing. If we all walked around believing that we had that fire Rihanna pussy, I truly believe the world would be a better place. At the very least, our own little worlds would be.
So go head and walk around like you’ve got diamonds between your thighs. Just please don’t do it at the expense of other people and based on misinformation that tells you “barely there” and “inoffensive” vagina is the best kind. Dry polite pussy ain’t it, boo. I promise.
5. The REAL panty challenge
There were all kinds of reactions to the panty challenge on twitter, from shame to disgust to encouragement. But NOBODY seemed to talk about the panties themselves. A few decades ago, underwear that didn’t have white cotton lining was unheard of. In 2016, some electric cerulean blue dye up in your cooch is no big deal, nothing to to see here, keep it moving people.Many of these dyes contain chemicals that are linked to cancer and other reproductive problems, and most synthetic fibers keep your vag from breathing. The REAL panty challenge would be to drop trou right now and look at the care tag. What’s your underwear made of? Does your puss have a dye-free oasis at the crotch? If not, it might be time to make a switch.
Thanks so much for reading!
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