Ahhhh Valentine’s Day! The only holiday where you can thank Hallmark for your blow job, Zales for your newly bleached bootyhole, and your local florist for the Sphynx cat that is now your vagina. To my knowledge, it’s the only international celebration where we honor a Catholic saint by exchanging sex acts for fancy dinners. And we punish non-participants in this Festival of Fellatio by calling them sad, lonely, or just bitter.
However, it’s a little known fact that Valentine’s Day was originally established by pagans in honor of the almighty goddess Vagina. The Catholic Church, led by the greedy Mr. Valentine, suppressed this tradition and collected stiff taxes on all the chocolates sold in Rome. And that’s why we now celebrate Valentine’s Day with commerce-fueled intimacy instead of the glorious vulva worshipping of our foremothers.
Ok, none of that origin story is actually true. But that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the SHIT out of Valentine’s Day in the ways that honor what real sexual congress looks like. So skip the corny flowers and chocolates and go straight to the gifts that will make your favorite coochie happy and healthy. It’s a win-win.
10. Coconut Oil
Coconut oil is good for your food, your hair, your skin and your cooch. It makes an amazing lube (but don’t use it with latex condoms!) and it has anti-fungal properties. Organic and expeller pressed is supposed to be the best kind, and you can find it in any decent grocery store. I will marry the person who sends me a coconut oil bouquet and doesn’t call me again until I’ve used it all on myself.
9. Yoni Twerk Class
Yup, you read that right. I haven’t tried this class yet but I’m dying to. From the description: “Every woman wants to have the the type of yoni that will bring her lover to his knees… Because it’s taut, it’s juicy, and it dances!” Don’t do it for your lover, tho, do it cuz a dancing yoni sounds lit. Check it out here.
8. Coochie-Friendly Period Makeover
Ok, nobody wants tampons for Valentine’s Day so don’t even think about it. Buuuut, giving your boo a Lunapads gift card is basically the much more thoughtful version of running out to get tampons for them in the middle of the night. It says, “I’m mature, I’m woke, and I want only the best for your poon.”
7. Vibrator Necklace
Some women may actually orgasm at the sight of a diamond tennis bracelet (and good for you), but the rest of us want jewelry that looks good and gets us off. Enter the vibrator necklace, the height of human ingenuity, available from the babes at Good Vibes.
6. Kegel Exerciser
This little guy is basically the Nintendo Wii of kegel exercisers. You put this in your poon and the sensors communicate via Bluetooth to the app on your phone, which tracks your progress and sets up workout routines. I’m not a huge gadget fan, but I can’t help but get excited about the prospect of vagina-powered Tetris. Check it out here.
5. Solid Gold Clit
Support local artists and make a bold statement about your clit-of-gold with these exclusive tees by Sophia Wallace. Available here.
4. Bubble Bath
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is take a long, hot bath. Unfortunately, so many of the products on the market are full of nasty chemicals and fragrances that can irritate your punany (or worse). Nobody wants to soak in a cucumber melon cancer stew. So check out this bubble bath from Cocoon Apothecary, which scored a 1 (the best you can get) from the EWG Cosmetics Database and boasts just a few natural ingredients (it does contain glycerin though, if that is a problem for you take note).
3. Protect Ya Puss
Pre-order coochie-friendly underwear made in NYC with 100% organic cotton fabric and non-toxic dyes. Exclusively from yours truly ;) #shamelessplug
2. Shower Head
If you took a shower this morning and you were not enjoying the benefits of a handheld shower head, you have some serious changes to make in your life. You can get a nice good clean up in your party pouch (no soap, just water!) and bust a nut or two without worrying about lube or batteries for your vibrator. These bad boys can be found for as little as $20 (and up to the hundreds), and are wellll worth the investment. So just trust me on this one okay?
1. YOUR TIME
Whether you are with someone or alone on Valentine’s Day, the best gift you can give to any coochie is the gift of TLC. Spend more time down there than you ever have before. Try new things, explore new areas, admire, compliment (your vagina loves compliments), and most of all, just take your sweet ass time down there. Beats dinner at Olive Garden any day