After my last blog post, The Myth of the Tight Pussy, I received a flood of responses from all kinds of people. Overall folks were resoundinglysupportive: pussies vary in size and stature, but they’re pretty much all awesome when you’re in there like swimwear. It was kind of amazing, even for me, to hear so many people shatter a myth that I’d secretly believed for so long. Thanks to everyone who wrote in!
However, I did get a couple messages that were an abrupt record scratch at my pussy party. They were a tiny minority, but the voices were loud enough to interrupt the electric slide and get my attention. They all said something like this:
“Vaginas might feel awesome but there are definitely some that are ugly to look at.”
Having been recently liberated from the specter of the stretched-out-sloppy-snatch, I was hesitant to replace one insecurity for another. But like any intrepid blogger would do, I pressed them for descriptions. Really, reallyexplicit descriptions. I have a pretty good inventory of what women’s butts, lips, waist, hair and skin are supposed to be. But what do these so-called “ugly vaginas” look like on a Saturday night?
And then these people proceeded to describe vaginas that looked...well…a lot like mine…
Two words: Beef. Curtains.
Or as they’re referred to in this strange and graphic documentary, “ham hangers.” In other words, when the labia minora (inner lips) hang out past the labia majora (outer lips). This seems to be the primary criteria with which people are judging vajoons these days and one of the main reasons for the increase in cosmetic coochiplasty in America and the UK.
Overall, I’m pretty in awe of my beave and her many (many) talents, but I would be lying if I said this didn’t send me into a panicked spiral of Google image searching. Luckily, I was able to stop myself before I sunk too deep into that cul-de-sac of internet shame. A couple of the people I chatted with admitted to getting their ideas of vaginal perfection mostly from porn (of course). But it wasn’t even these surgically altered apricot-like chachas and their devotees that were so distressing, it was more about people’s need to chime in and correct me:
Oh no, this woman has stopped worrying about her vagina and how tight or pretty it is! I’d better correct her and make sure she knows she should still hate herself a little bit.
Luckily, my BFF Mindy had prepared me for such fuckery.
“And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don’t hate themselves. So that’s why you need to be a little bit brave.”
— Mindy Kaling
So I could go on about the nerve endings in your lower lips or the cultures that view long labias as sexual perfection or the increased “suction” ability they supposedly create. But after this rollercoaster ride of pussy fear and shame and love, I’ve decided to be brave and love my chach no matter what. And I encourage you to do the same. It’s totally fine to want pretty things, including a pretty cooch. But what that means logistically should be totally up to you. Don’t let your ideas of vulvar beauty be defined by some porn star or Reddit forums (beware all subreddits on the topic of vaginas). So here are some of my best tips for how to reach Beaver Beauty Queen status.
HOW TO HAVE THE PRETTIEST VAGINA IN ALL THE LAND
1. Have a vagina
And live somewhere in the land.
2. Spend some time looking at real vaginas
My mother wasn’t the kind of woman to walk around naked at home, so I was a grown-ass adult before I saw another lady’s vagina IRL. If I ever have spawn of my own, I will be sure to sport my full bush around the house so they have some non-porn frame of reference. But in lieu of family members to look at, the old ladies doing stretches butt ass naked in the lockerroom at your local YMCA are a good second option. Also, these illustrations are EVERYTHING. (If these make you uncomfortable, you need to look at them everyday until you start to see the Georgia O’Keefe-ian beauty at work here. It’s spectacular.)
3. Buy her presents
A vibrator, a dildo, a new pair of underwear, a smear of coconut oil, whatever. Just give your snooj something special! The more love and attention you give someone, the happier he or she will be and the better he or she will look. We know this logic is true because Pretty Woman. Thank you, Hollywood.
4. Quality time
And for once, I don’t mean laying on the floor with your butt smushed against your full-length mirror and your legs in the kind of flying V that would make Gordon Bombay proud (if this reference makes sense to you, we should probably be friends in real life). Anyway, it is not helpful to spend any more time with a mirror analyzing whether or not your vagina looks like a full plate of roast beef right now. What you need is a long bath, a shower head attachment and your phone on airplane mode.
5. Dump him
This is certainly not true for everyone, but a lot of times there is a very particular “him” underneath all of this. So I will repeat this until the day I die: the men that are worth having sex with, the ones who care about your pleasure and your comfort, who put in the effort to make sure you’re satisfied don’t care about this shit at all! The ones who are squeamish about vaginas have other issues going on that have nothing to do with you. Leave them alone with their porn and Eat Pray Love your way onto some dick that is worth having, please.