Ahhhh Valentine’s Day! The only holiday where you can thank Hallmark for your blow job, Zales for your newly bleached bootyhole, and your local florist for the Sphynx cat that is now your vagina. To my knowledge, it’s the only international celebration where we honor a Catholic saint by exchanging sex acts for fancy dinners. And we punish non-participants in this Festival of Fellatio by calling them sad, lonely, or just bitter.
However, it’s a little known fact that Valentine’s Day was originally established by pagans in honor of the almighty goddess Vagina. The Catholic Church, led by the greedy Mr. Valentine, suppressed this tradition and collected stiff taxes on all the chocolates sold in Rome. And that’s why we now celebrate Valentine’s Day with commerce-fueled intimacy instead of the glorious vulva worshipping of our foremothers.
Ok, none of that origin story is actually true. But that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the SHIT out of Valentine’s Day in the ways that honor what real sexual congress looks like. So skip the corny flowers and chocolates and go straight to the gifts that will make your favorite coochie happy and healthy. It’s a win-win.
10. COCONUT OIL